Dear little girls who romanticize eating disorders,
(And adults that allow this to happen by perpetuating diet culture)

I see you on the internet posting pictures of spindly wrists, black and white
Black coffee, diet coke and smokes because that’s what skinny girls are made of, and
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” according to Kate Moss
That advice must seem so much more REAL in the form of a hipster edit
You know the ones –
Text over a background of trees, poetic falling leaves, or
A stormy sky over something pristine like the ocean

It’s so ironic because this disorder is, in fact, like the ocean and once you’re in deep enough
It becomes so fucking hard not to drown

As members of the John Green generation I think it is time to admit that – spoiler alert –
People will actually be hurt if someone finds your body like a character in the beginning of Paper Towns
(Because if this disorder does not kill you first you will start to think death is something you deserve)
You will learn
The fault, dear consumers of Young Adult fiction, is not in our stars
It is within ourselves because we seem to have fallen into this trap
Thinking it is poetic to be so broken that
Someone has to come along and fix you
There is a disastrous side effect to being oblivious to the facts
Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters both had cancer, and
In true life imitates art fashion, people DO care about physical sickness in the real world, but
If you think and eating disorder is the answer
You should know that this will not afford you the same courtesy
Because you will become an amalgamation of everything everyone hates about sickness because
This is not something that comes with a quick fix
Like a band-aid or a kiss on the cheek and get well soon balloons

Here is the truth:

When I tried to rid myself of food for the first time at age 12
When I literally choked on air and
Cried about how it wasn’t fair that this magic trick didn’t want to work for me
When I thought I needed this disorder to be like the rest of my friends
To be happy, and skinny
What I should have wanted in that moment was for someone to stop me

Self hatred is poison
It is not something that earns fair representation from models on the runway
Thinspo,
Or hearing others say “I would be so much prettier if I were skinny,”
Or things like you’ll be happy when you’re small
Singing a melodic song of stay strong, stay strong, stay strong

I am calling bullshit.

I wish as a little girl I had the knowledge to understand that
Having an eating disorder means falling into some sort of quicksand pit
It
Becomes
So
Hard
To
Escape

I used to have bad days, but
Now those have become strung together in the form of weeks and months
I am living in some sort of perpetual, body dysmorphia filled haze
Clouded by the pain of endless headaches
A sore jaw, a clenching heart
Things I thought I was immune from at the start
My hair wasn’t supposed to start to fall out
I never planned on seeing this much of my own blood, or
Doubting every single thing and person that I love
Being so afraid of being touched that I die a little inside
After something as harmless as a hug
I didn’t know this disorder would make me afraid of love

So, no, I do not want to encourage
Images of Cassie Ainsworth dancing on that bench
I want to rid the internet of sayings like
“I didn’t eat for three days so I could be lovely,” and
Stop these posts about what it means when you can say
“Ana is the only friend I need” or “Mia loves me”

Please,
No more photos of empty plates, or
Tips on how to tell people convincingly that you already ate,
Because none of these things will seem so great when they land you in the hospital

There is nothing romantic about watching a child carried in to /// the unit /// on a stretcher
Nothing “lovely, lovely, lovely, WOW” about people all around with feeding tubes
Or finding yourself in a position where you are the patient
To cry because you can’t finish or keep down a meal

This is not something to aspire to
This is not an answer to your weight loss goals
To tell you the truth:
Once you set foot into this world
You may not have the strength to return to your former state
As a happy little girl